How do you lead a good life? What is a good life? How can you be happier and more resilient in the face of life’s ups and downs?
Like a lot of people, I’ve asked myself those questions and looked for answers from a range of sources (books, naturally, but also podcasts, online classes, and in-person seminars). After having recently read Dr. Timothy Miller’s 1995 book, How to Want What You Have, I can’t say I learned anything new regarding those fundamental questions. His book is filled with wisdom I’ve encountered elsewhere in my explorations of philosophy (particularly Stoicism), Buddhism, psychology, religion, and self-help.
But despite it not covering any new ground, I highly recommend How to Want What You Have because of what it does and does exceptionally well: gathers and synthesizes profound ideas for living well and presents them in a way that is easy to remember and apply them to daily life.
How is this book relevant today 30 years after its publication? Well, first, as I said, it deals with timeless wisdom from a broad range of sources. But secondly, although calling it a self-help book is somewhat misleading—even though that’s plainly what it is—it’s a self-help book that de-emphasizes self in favor of duty to others and promoting the common good. It provides a much-needed and refreshing counterpoint to the egotistical advice peddled on social media by the vast majority of influencers and online advocates of self-care.
With this book, Miller—drawing upon his background as a psychotherapist—has created a practical guide to achieving, if not happiness exactly, at least contentment. What I most enjoyed about this book is how simple and applicable his model for living the good life is. That’s what it’s about, living the good life and being a good person—actually, it’s more accurate to say that Miller’s book is about living the good life by being a good person.
And while his advice is easy to understand and remember, actually practicing what he preaches consistently is anything but. Miller says that up front and justifiably reiterates the point throughout the book.
The bottom line is simple: To be content and lead a good and moral life, practice Compassion, Attention, and Gratitude (CAG).
That’s it.
Throughout the book, Miller elaborates on what he means by those three principles, he outlines strategies for putting them into practice and how to avoid their opposites, and he discusses why practicing CAG and wanting what you have runs counter to human nature and is therefore incredibly difficult. He also describes how each principle reinforces the other three and how several other virtues can be derived from the three foundational ones. He even goes so far as to provide an updated, secular version of the Ten Commandments that he calls the “Ten Moral Suggestions,” which are based on Compassion, Attention, and Gratitude.
I capitalize Compassion, Attention, and Gratitude here as Miller does throughout his book, and in my notes I referred to them as CAG for short, which unfortunately sounds like gag (either joke or choke) or like some military acronym, which it is: Combat Applications Group. (It can also mean Coronary Angiogram and a few other things.) Miller didn’t feel the need to invent a special name for his particular philosophy and refers to it just as “Wanting What You Have” or “Compassion, Attention, and Gratitude.”
On he one hand, I like that he doesn’t bother with branding. To regard a framework like this as so original that it requires its own label would have struck me as both self-aggrandizing and grossly commercial. I have no doubt that if he were a Millennial or Gen Zer—in other words, a social media native rather than a Boomer—he would have trademarked some Greek- or Latin-derived term and be offering an online program for a small subscription fee.
On the other hand, having a short word or phrase that encapsulates Miller’s framework would have been super helpful to me in thinking and writing about it. For my purposes, CAG will have to do, and to those googling for information about Combat Applications Groups and who are mistakenly served up this page, I apologize in advance.
The Heart of the Matter: The Three Principles or Intentions
Miller’s book is divided into three sections:
- Part I: Getting Ready
- Part II: Learning How
- Part III: Living It
It’s Part II that contains the real meat of this book—each CAG principle gets its own chapter. Here’s Miller’s summary of each:
My methods for wanting what you have are easily summarized. I recommend the deliberate, constant practice of Compassion, Attention, and Gratitude.
Compassion is the intention to see each human being as no better or worse than yourself, neither more nor less important, and as fundamentally similar to yourself.
Attention is the intention to avoid unnecessary value judgments about your own experience—both internal and external experience. In other words, Attention is the intention to live without reservation in the hear-and-now.
Gratitude is the intention to count your blessings every day, every minute, while avoiding, whenever possible, the belief that you need or deserve different circumstances.
I don’t mean to say that if you practice Compassion, Attention, and Gratitude, you will become able to want what you have. I mean to say that practicing Compassion, Attention, and Gratitude diligently, persistently, and wisely is identical to wanting what you have.
Dr. Timothy Miller
Compassion
Dr. Miller proposes a cognitive approach to practicing the Compassion as befits a psychologist, who, if not a practitioner of Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT), was at the time of this book’s writing, “increasingly impressed with the theory and technique of cognitive psychotherapy.” I don’t know if the cognitive psychology Miller is referring to exactly maps onto CBT, but I would imagine there is at least a great deal of overlap.
He says, “You must learn to think in patterns that contradict a lifetime of accumulated habits, not to mention fundamental human instincts.” In other words, when you change certain less-than-helpful habits of thought, your feelings change too, and so does your behavior.
- Identify Non-Compassionate Thinking
- Formulate Compassionate Thoughts
- Substitute Compassionate Thoughts for Non-Compassionate Thoughts
- Act Compassionately
- Smile (If You Can)
Compassion is the intention to think and act as if you are not more entitled to get what you want than anyone else is. This intention is based on the conscious understanding that everyone wants about the same things for about the same reasons.
Hatred
Miller makes several interesting points as he expands upon these five steps toward more compassionate thinking. Regarding the first, he gives a brief definition of its opposite that I like, “Hatred is what happens when you deliberately nurse your own anger, deliberately intensifying it and prolonging it with non-compassionate thinking. Hatred often produces non-compassionate actions, which in turn nourish further hatred.”
The emphasis is mine. We all know friends and family members who nurse grievances and who make you want to say, “Give it a rest already. Let it go.” Being aware of our own grievances and how unhelpful that sense of outrage and anger is can make it easier to set them aside. It’s one thing to feel anger in the moment; it’s another to fall into the habit of deliberately fanning those flames after the fact.
Another quote that resonated with me seems especially relevant to today’s political polarization:
I might choose not to vote for a certain politician because I doubt that he understands the country’s problems or because I believe that he is too warlike. These beliefs are consistent with Compassion. However, Compassion requires that I always remember that any opinion I happen to hold might turn out to be incorrect. I want to be right, and to be admired for being right, just like everyone else. It is not compassionate for me to denigrate the character or intelligence of people who disagree with me.
Again, that last line is my emphasis. Such high-mindedness is not easy to practice in the current environment, but it makes sense to at least try. He also points out that Compassion does not preclude a person from standing against injustice and being assertive in their opposition to those that they disagree with.
Being compassionate does not mean being a doormat.
Sympathy for the Devil?
Miller also has this wonderful quote about criminals: “Criminals want wealth, status, and love just like you and me, for the same reasons we do. They specialize in getting these things through deception and violence. They differ from you and me only in the strategies they favor.”
Sympathy for the devil? Only if you are inclined to demonize your fellow human beings, which we all do, I guess. But it does seem like a worthwhile exercise if one is to strengthen their Compassion muscles. According to Miller, we might dislike someone’s behavior or disagree with their choices, but Compassion doesn’t require that you like what someone else does.
People try to meet their needs and wants, which in broad strokes are common to all humans, in whatever ways they know how. In many cases we won’t agree with their methods—we might vehemently and righteously oppose them—but we can still feel Compassion for their human needs, which we all share.
We just have to remind ourselves of that fact.
A Closer Look at Each of the Five Cognitive Strategies
No. 1: Identify Non-Compassionate Thinking
Notice. This means reminding yourself to notice when you’re not being generous to others in your thoughts. Of course, you’re going to feel what you’re going to feel, especially if you’re sensitive to slights like I am. Notice when you feel triggered by other people and what thoughts arise.
We can’t control our feelings in the moment, but we can rein in our reactive thoughts to those feelings. And even if you believe that you’re justified in being angry, annoyed, or frustrated by someone else, it’s worth just being aware of how often non-compassionate thoughts pop up in the course of a day.
No. 2: Formulate Compassionate Thoughts
Remember. I would call this step “Remember that we’re all just human.”
Remember when we encounter difficult situations and difficult people that we are all the heroes of our own stories, the stars of our own movies. Most of the time people don’t intend to be rude or thoughtless; they’re just living their own lives—lives that can feel overwhelming at times.
But see also the earlier point about Compassion not requiring anyone to be a doormat. Compassion does not prevent us from standing up for ourselves when someone’s careless behavior seriously affects us. Practicing Compassion in such moments, however, can help us assert ourselves less emotionally and therefore more effectively.
No. 3: Substitute Compassionate Thoughts for Non-Compassionate Thoughts
Substitute. Imagine a more sympathetic view of the situation or person. A rude barista at Starbucks may be dealing with a sick child at home. A reckless driver may be late for an important meeting and be at risk of losing his or her job. Miller gives several examples: dishonest mechanics, teenage vandals, irresponsible dog owners, corrupt politicians, hateful in-laws—they are just people with their own needs, problems, and reasons for doing what they do. Just because we disagree with them doesn’t mean we can’t offer them some measure of Compassion. We don’t have to condone their behavior or do anything more than consider a more charitable view of their motivations. After all, we can’t really know what people are dealing with, and each of us has his or her own agendas, prejudices, and blind spots.
To prepare for those times when emotions are running high and Compassion seems out of reach, Miller recommends memorizing a phrase or two of 25 words or less that you can recite to yourself in moments of stress when you are entertaining non-compassionate thoughts. For his own maxim or a mantra, Miller cribs from Bruce Springsteen with “Everybody’s got a hungry heart.”
Quoting The Boss doesn’t work for me (a matter of personal taste even though I like Bruce Springsteen), but having my own idiosyncratic stock phrase ready to mentally deploy in the heat of the moment is the goal. I’m still trying to come up with mine.
No. 4: Act Compassionately
Acting compassionately is straightforward advice, but one important point Miller makes about acting compassionately is that you may have to go through the motions before you really feel it—and that’s okay. As the old saying goes, “fake it till you make it.”
In Miller’s words:
It is sometimes necessary to speak and behave compassionately in an automatic or unthinking manner. Alternatively, you might recall some simple phrase or image that condenses the rationale for Compassion.… thoughts change when behavior changes…. If you are serious about practicing Compassion, you are more likely to achieve success if you deliberately behave compassionately, even at times when you aren’t feeling Compassion and not necessarily even thinking compassionately.
No. 5: Smile (If You Can)
Miller references the physiological benefits of smiling revealed by “recent” medical research, and there’s been 30 more years of scientific findings since then. From the release of neurotransmitters and stress reduction to improved heart health and immune system function—smiling, even when you don’t feel like smiling—has numerous physiological benefits.
Smiling during compassionate moments is good for you and can reinforce Compassionate thinking and behavior. Obviously it benefits those around you as well, especially if it’s sincere.
As an aside, this made me think of Tyra Banks and “smizing,” or smiling with your eyes, but after some additional reading I learned that a genuine smile, as opposed to a forced one, is called a Duchenne smile, named for a 19th-century French neurologist, Guillaume Duchenne de Boulogne. I thought that was an interesting bit of trivia.
Disguised Selfishness
I’ve been thinking about altruism lately, particularly in light of Dr. Bart Ehrman’s upcoming book on the subject, which I’m looking forward to reading. Philosophical debates about whether pure altruism is possible, however, both bore and annoy me. To me the ideal of perfect altruism untainted by an iota of self-interest isn’t possible and doesn’t much matter, except as a lofty goal to strive for.
But what I think does matter is being honest with yourself about your motivations. If eliminating self-interest is impossible (or even desirable), which I’m sure it is, then asking yourself how much self-interest factors into your charitable acts is important in acting with genuine Compassion.
Miller uses the phrase “disguised selfishness”:
Compassionate behavior that is likely to enhance your reputation as a nice person might also represent disguised selfishness.
You could argue that even someone who performs Compassion to gain approval is still doing some good in the world, but is that being truly compassionate or just executing a mutually beneficial transaction? Miller sets a high bar for Compassion by advocating a “give until it hurts” strategy. According to him, donating money to charities is a good start, but it’s not enough. To truly act compassionately, you must
“… invest time, energy, and personal concern in assisting or comforting some person (or group) who will not likely ever be able to reciprocate. Monetary charity is an element of Compassion, but alone it is not sufficient to make you a compassionate person…. If you are serious about practicing Compassion, it is not sufficient to pursue a socially constructive occupation, give money to charity, or take care of your family. Too often, these activities constitute disguised selfishness.”
Living in a world of “insufficient compassion.” That seems to sum up the situation in 2025, doesn’t it?
Yet… Practice Compassion For Your Own Benefit
Given his warnings against disguised selfishness, it seems like a contradiction when Miller later points out that one reason to practice Compassion—actually all three of the CAG virtues—even if the other people around us do not, is “…because we believe that they will produce a better quality of life for ourselves, the people (and other living things) we love, and the rest of the human race.”
Practicing Compassion, Attention, and Gratitude is good for you and therefore self-interest does play a role. I’m not a philosopher, but the phrase “enlightened self-interest” occurred to me as I was thinking about CAG, and I just barely stopped myself from disappearing down yet another rabbit hole researching ethics and particular topics like utilitarianism, rational self-interest, reciprocal altruism, etc. I’ll leave those subjects for another day.
But when practicing Compassion gets tough—especially when everyone around us seems to lack Compassion or even common courtesy—it’s helpful to remind yourself that this discipline isn’t just some onerous exercise in self-denial. Not only are we becoming better people through our efforts to practice Compassion, we’re likely to become happier people too.
And if Compassion is something you value in others, then being a compassionate person and seeing yourself as one, will improve your self-esteem, which in turn will have a positive impact on your mental health.
Attention, Gratitude, and The Ten Moral Suggestions
In future posts I’ll review my key takeaways from other sections of How to Want What You Have, including the remaining two principles, Attention and Gratitude. I’ll also discuss Miller’s Ten Moral Suggestions, his secular update to the Ten Commandments.
Miller, Timothy, PhD. How to Want What You Have. New York: Henry Holt and Company: 1995.
Where to Purchase How to Want What You Have:
Miller’s book seems to be out of print, but used copies are available. These are not affiliate links, and I do not earn any commission from them.
About Me: My name is Frank Swanson, and I’m an editor and technical writer. I have a lot of different interests: writing, reading, history, science, science-fiction, movies, philosophy, religion, and self-improvement. I’m particularly interested in stories and how they work. Whether it’s a short story, a novel, a movie or a TV show, if it does something interesting or that deeply affects me, I want to examine how it does what it does.
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